you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
