Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
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