I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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