Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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