I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
