Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
