I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
it's like heaven, but drunker
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
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