I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
