I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Randomize
