3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
there is glitter all over my balls
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