I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
