I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
