The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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