I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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