that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
