he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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