I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
