you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
