Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
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