My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
