I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
