apparently the secret to your success is patron
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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