yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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