I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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