u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Randomize
