found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
