Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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