Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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