Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
