Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
this will be a night to untag.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
