just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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