wrigley field is MILF paradise
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
