hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
