I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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