Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Please don't give away my fajitas
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
