She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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