Say something about gay babies.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
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