i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
