Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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