I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
