Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
