She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
