Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
