It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Randomize
