Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
