broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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