you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Who died my cat blue again?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
