So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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