when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
how drunk are you?
Several
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
