"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
