So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Randomize
