Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
