so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
